{"id":170,"date":"2015-02-04T14:06:55","date_gmt":"2015-02-04T14:06:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.menteyemociones.com\/en\/?p=170"},"modified":"2015-02-04T14:13:58","modified_gmt":"2015-02-04T14:13:58","slug":"success-give-permission-human","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.menteyemociones.com\/en\/success-give-permission-human\/","title":{"rendered":"Success: Give yourself permission to be human"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I<\/strong>nterview<\/span> with<\/span> Tal Ben<\/span> Shahar<\/span>, professor of Positive<\/span> Psychology,<\/span> Harvard University<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

People who assume<\/span> reality<\/span> -that we,re just humans<\/span>– do<\/span> not<\/span> aspire to be<\/span> the smartest<\/span>, handsome<\/span> or richest,<\/span> but<\/span> appreciate what<\/span> they already are.<\/span> And they<\/span> are happier<\/span>. And<\/span> from that<\/span> wellness<\/span>, often succeed<\/span>.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
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“<\/span>I,m 40 years old and I won,t waste <\/span>one<\/span> more trying to<\/span> be perfect.<\/span> Be<\/span> humble and you,ll<\/span> be proud<\/span> of not having to<\/span> prove anything to anyone<\/span>.”When<\/span> I started teaching<\/span> Positive Psychology<\/span> at<\/span> Harvard<\/span>, one student said, “<\/span>I will turn to<\/span> you and<\/span> if I<\/span> see you always<\/span> happy, I<\/span> will be enrolling<\/span> in<\/span> the course”.<\/span><\/p>\n

A<\/span> smart boy<\/span>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do you believe?<\/span> I replied<\/span> that if I was<\/span> ever happy<\/span> it was because<\/span> I<\/span> was a psychopath<\/span> or<\/span> dead.<\/span> Because only<\/span> psychopaths and<\/span> the dead<\/span> never<\/span> feel<\/span> envy,<\/span> sadness, grief<\/span>, jealousy … and<\/span> never<\/span> fail.<\/span><\/p>\n

What<\/span> do you teach,<\/span> then?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

You<\/span> give yourself permission<\/span> to be human<\/span> …<\/span> You see<\/span> what a relief!<\/span> Only<\/span> when you stop<\/span> denying<\/span> errors and blocking<\/span> negative emotions<\/span> you,ll allow<\/span> yourself to be <\/span><\/p>\n

affected by the positive ones<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Why do<\/span> we deny<\/span> the<\/span> error?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

We are<\/span> educated in<\/span> the<\/span>\u00a0mythification<\/span> of<\/span> success.<\/span><\/p>\n

A word<\/span> that sells books<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Parents push their children to succeed after having crushed themselves: and if they haven,t succeeded, they haven,t worked enough. And it’s never enough. I myself tortured myself through my youth with two phrases: “Nothing replaces hard work” and “The harder I work, the more success I have”.”<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
They are fashionable<\/span>; along with suffering.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/span>Thus<\/span> leading to<\/span> the lie<\/span> of perfectionism<\/span>. The truth<\/span> is that if<\/span> you want to succeed<\/span> more<\/span>, you should start by<\/span> failing<\/span> twice<\/span> and<\/span> for that you<\/span> must begin to assume the emotions that defeat brings. <\/span>How Come?<\/span><\/strong>Life is<\/span> a succession of failures<\/span> to be able to<\/span> have some success<\/span>. And<\/span> the paradox is that<\/span> when you accept<\/span> the error<\/span>, pain, loneliness; and the emotions<\/span> they cause<\/span>: hatred, sadness, envy, jealousy, frustration …<\/span>
\n…<\/span>
\nAnd<\/span> let them<\/span> flow without<\/span> trying to<\/span> suppress them,<\/span> only then<\/span> they stop being<\/span> your emotions<\/span>, to be just emotions<\/span>. And that,s how they dissolve.<\/span>For example<\/strong>.<\/span>It is mere<\/span> cognitive therapy.<\/span> Suppose that<\/span> you,re terrified<\/span> of public speaking<\/span> …<\/span>What do you suggest<\/span>?<\/strong>You interpret<\/span> the audience<\/span> -fact-<\/span> as a thread <\/span>-thought-<\/span> and react with anxiety -emotion-. Accept<\/span> that anxiety<\/span>; let it flow<\/span> and<\/span> don,t try to<\/span> suppress it.<\/span><\/p>\n

But it<\/span> will continue<\/span> to paralyze me<\/span>.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Nature to be<\/span> governed<\/span> before<\/span> must be obeyed.<\/span> Give<\/span> way and<\/span> come to<\/span> interpret<\/span> the audience as<\/span> people who love you<\/span> and listen to you<\/span> until<\/span> the anxiety curb decreases<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Isn,t it about trying not to be affected by it?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Leave that to<\/span> Clint Eastwood.<\/span> You<\/span> give yourself<\/span> permission to be<\/span> weak.<\/span> Being positive<\/span> is not to ignore<\/span> or<\/span> downplay<\/span> reality, but<\/span> accept it.<\/span> And<\/span> assume<\/span> your emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n

The less<\/span> they affect me<\/span> the better.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

It,s actually upside down<\/span>: denying<\/span> emotions<\/span> discon<\/span><\/p>\n

nects us<\/span> from reality.<\/span> So when<\/span> you are aware <\/span>that you,ve failed<\/span> and have been<\/span> vain, selfish<\/span>, jealous or<\/span> traitor<\/span> …<\/span><\/p>\n

Okay,<\/span> I<\/span> get it.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Don,t settle<\/span> with<\/span> thinking about it yourself<\/span>: it doesn,t work<\/span>.<\/span> Tell<\/span> someone.<\/span> Or, if you,ve got no one to confess<\/span>, write it. But …<\/span> Express it<\/span>!<\/p>\n

For example.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Many men<\/span> refuse the right to be<\/span> cowards<\/span> or to any<\/span> other emotion.<\/span> In our culture<\/span> the man who<\/span> feels is<\/span> a<\/span> sentimental,<\/span> weak<\/span>: less man.<\/span><\/p>\n

What about women?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Their emotional<\/span> sin<\/span> is usually to deny<\/span> anger<\/span>. They feel<\/span> it,s unfeminine<\/span> to catch<\/span> a good<\/span> anger<\/span> … and<\/span> lo let it show.<\/span><\/p>\n

Although it feels so liberating.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

When a client of mine is<\/span> fired from a<\/span> job, I ask them to write a journal about ‘the anger of the unemployed’ to express how humiliating it feels to be fired, how useless are some of<\/span> many of<\/span> those who remain<\/span>.<\/p>\n

A<\/span> relief.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

It,s more relaxing to shout it out to their bosses but, even<\/span> later,<\/span> may they express it.<\/span> The unemployed<\/span> who manifest their anger, mature, grow and are able to distance themselves from<\/span> their<\/span> emotions<\/span> and put<\/span> themselves in a better position<\/span> to find<\/span> another job later<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Or not.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Or<\/span> not, but<\/span> they,ll have more<\/span> self-esteem<\/span> and realism<\/span> to judge<\/span> a system unable to<\/span> deliver<\/span> prosperity<\/span> through employment<\/span>. And they,ll be<\/span> able to organize<\/span> for<\/span> change<\/span>.<\/p>\n

(<\/span>…)<\/p>\n

Those<\/span> who shut errors up, promote.<\/span><\/p>\n

Only<\/span> in perfectionists<\/span> organizations<\/span>, therefore liars.<\/span> In mature<\/span> organizations<\/span>, mistakes are not<\/span> failures<\/span> to<\/span> blame a<\/span> person, but<\/span> o<\/span>pportunities<\/span> for all to improve the<\/span> team performance.<\/span><\/p>\n

An<\/span> optimist is<\/span> a pessimist<\/span> missinformed<\/span>?<\/strong><\/p>\n

I prefer to be<\/span> an optimistic<\/span> and aspire to<\/span> almost everything,<\/span> to<\/span> finally<\/span> enjoy<\/span> almost nothing.<\/span> Today we know<\/span> that happiness is<\/span> not the culmination<\/span> of success,<\/span> but only<\/span> the beginning.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u00a0People who assume<\/span> reality<\/span> -that we,re just humans<\/span>– do<\/span>n,t aspire to be<\/span> the smartest<\/span>, handsomest<\/span> or richest,<\/span> but<\/span> appreciate what<\/span> they already are.<\/span> And they<\/span> are happier<\/span>. And<\/span> from that<\/span> wellness<\/span>, often succeed<\/span>.
\n<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Failure Champion<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Ben<\/span> Shahar<\/span> seems a<\/span> reconcentrated guy<\/span>, suitable to obsession<\/span> and incapable of<\/span> self-indulgence<\/span>, but willing to be<\/span> taught<\/span> -through<\/span> smacks<\/span> maybe- by<\/span> life. The big lesson<\/span> today is that<\/span> the greatest success<\/span> is to become<\/span> a person<\/span>. He tells me<\/span> how he tried to<\/span> become a squash world champion<\/span> with two essential<\/span> slogans<\/span>: “Nothing<\/span> replaces<\/span> hard work<\/span>” and “<\/span>The harder I work, the more success I have<\/span>.”\u00a0 He trained<\/span> longer hours<\/span> and harder than<\/span> his <\/span>world champion<\/span> friend<\/span> Jansher Khan<\/span>. His youthful<\/span> folly<\/span> ended in<\/span> multiple<\/span> injury<\/span> by muscle<\/span> fatigue,<\/span> but it<\/span> vaccinated him against<\/span> unrelenting perfectionism<\/span> and led him<\/span> towards<\/span> positive psychology<\/span> -let,s call it<\/span> common-<\/span>sense-, that he shares with us.<\/span>Excerpts from an<\/span> interview<\/span> by Lluis<\/span> Amiguet<\/span> for<\/span> La<\/span> Contra,<\/span> La<\/span> Vanguardia<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Interview with Tal Ben Shahar, professor of Positive Psychology, Harvard University People who assume reality -that we,re just humans– do not aspire to be the smartest, handsome or richest, but appreciate what they already are. And they are happier. And<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-170","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-positive-psychology"],"yoast_head":"\nSuccess: Give yourself permission to be human - Bel\u00e9n Giner<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Interview with Harvard professor of Positive Psychology, Tal Ben Shahar, which advocates towards accepting failure, negative emotions and errors to be happy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.menteyemociones.com\/en\/success-give-permission-human\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Success: Give yourself permission to be human - 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